back me up

It would be nice to have the support of the people that know me the best..im not talking bout my man..because he has done everything he can possibly do, to make me happy and get me to where I want..and I love him for that. But my parents..dont back me up..they say they do..but I see it in there eyes..and I hear it in their voice..that they dont really support the real me. I had this small conversation about a tattoo..and it blew up. But thats who I am..they dont see that. I like tattoo's and I would love to shave my friggin head, ..... But they dont agree at all. They think that im a bad person for wanting those things. who does that? A tattoo doesnt define me..a shaved head doesnt define me. I define me. And they should know that. They had this image of me growing up..and thats not who I am. I dont have a succesful career yet..a normal job..I did not go to college..But I know..who I am..and where I wanna be in a couple of years. I wish they did too. Being a dreamer doesnt really give you any garentee..besides pure happiness..doing what you love in the end..I know I can do this. But im not as independent as I would like. So yes..I need a little help from my parents..but they take every chance they get..to remind me of that. They dont support me..they would like to..but they dont understand why I have to do this..why this is so important. They dont believe in me. All of these things that ive done up and till now..were made possible by one person..me. I took a risk..and im proud that I did..But ive been tryin to fit in..my whole life.. Im starting to think that Im not ment to fit in..maybe thats a good thing..maybe not. But why does everything have to be about the money? about doing what everyone wants me to do. What they think is right. Im not normal..Im freaking crazy and I love it. Life sucks at times..and yes I struggle, everyone seems to think that Ive made it somehow? are you for real? do you have any idea how hard this is? not having money to pay your rent every month..spending your last penny, not knowing when you'll get paid again. working hard..and not getting paid for it. Yes ive made it for sure. Another thing... Facebook is a big fake..designed to give the people the need to prove to everyone that their popular..and pretty..and go out all the time and have a blast. Well im done with being fake. Im done with having people tell me what to do. Or how to behave because facebook or everyone else tells me to. My time will come..sometimes I just wish that the most important people in my life would have my back. thats all. needed to get all of that out there. bitch please stop nagging. done.

Lost.

People make mistakes. They screw up. I've had several occasions where I dropped the ball. 5 months ago, I made a risky decision. I quit my parttime job, and started working fulltime as a freelance stylist. Without any form of education, or knowledge..and a good sense of style, and passion for what it is I love doing, I started out.. The day after I immediately got a phone call from the magazine "Flair" ..asking me if I wanted to do the styling for one of their projects. I was so happy,  I called my mom, I got my first job! right after that I got the job with Bobbejaanland, the music video from Jef Neve. So I was optimistic..I had a good pay that month..no troubles at all. But then it got quiet.. I had a few good jobs..but that was it. I was so confident that first month, that I made the right decision..and now I'm just lost. I know what i'm capable of..I just don't know which road to take. Ive always been a dreamer.. and incredibly impatient. That's my biggest struggle. I want it now..I see people doing good, making lots of money, being successful, and I just feel bad ..and wonder why it's not me up there.. I work hard... I really really want this. I would love to work on a music video set.. with an artist...dressing them..working at a production company...combining my love for music and dance with my heart for fashion. But I just don't know how to get there..and I'm really starting to doubt myself. and thats a dangerous trap to fall in. because once you start playing the mindgames..its hard to let go. So I've been considering taking a chance, and going back to school fulltime.. maybe this time around I'll appreciate it more. Its not considered brave talking about ur weakness..or your fails in life..but I think you need those falls, to get more highs. I really don't know what my next move will be.. I really don't. I wish things turned out differently.. but the problem today is.. there s no   seperate term for people who are still figuring out who they really are..I mean, its frowned apon. You're 23 and you don't know what you wanna do with your life? I'm scared of making another bad decision, so that makes me not wanna make any decision at all..so I run away from all my scared thoughts..by just avoiding them, acting like i'm cool, no biggy. But I don't talk about the fact that I don't sleep at night..and suffer from a  stomach ulcer.. I just act cool. I guess what i'm trying to say is.. I feel lost.