Lost.

People make mistakes. They screw up. I've had several occasions where I dropped the ball. 5 months ago, I made a risky decision. I quit my parttime job, and started working fulltime as a freelance stylist. Without any form of education, or knowledge..and a good sense of style, and passion for what it is I love doing, I started out.. The day after I immediately got a phone call from the magazine "Flair" ..asking me if I wanted to do the styling for one of their projects. I was so happy,  I called my mom, I got my first job! right after that I got the job with Bobbejaanland, the music video from Jef Neve. So I was optimistic..I had a good pay that month..no troubles at all. But then it got quiet.. I had a few good jobs..but that was it. I was so confident that first month, that I made the right decision..and now I'm just lost. I know what i'm capable of..I just don't know which road to take. Ive always been a dreamer.. and incredibly impatient. That's my biggest struggle. I want it now..I see people doing good, making lots of money, being successful, and I just feel bad ..and wonder why it's not me up there.. I work hard... I really really want this. I would love to work on a music video set.. with an artist...dressing them..working at a production company...combining my love for music and dance with my heart for fashion. But I just don't know how to get there..and I'm really starting to doubt myself. and thats a dangerous trap to fall in. because once you start playing the mindgames..its hard to let go. So I've been considering taking a chance, and going back to school fulltime.. maybe this time around I'll appreciate it more. Its not considered brave talking about ur weakness..or your fails in life..but I think you need those falls, to get more highs. I really don't know what my next move will be.. I really don't. I wish things turned out differently.. but the problem today is.. there s no   seperate term for people who are still figuring out who they really are..I mean, its frowned apon. You're 23 and you don't know what you wanna do with your life? I'm scared of making another bad decision, so that makes me not wanna make any decision at all..so I run away from all my scared thoughts..by just avoiding them, acting like i'm cool, no biggy. But I don't talk about the fact that I don't sleep at night..and suffer from a  stomach ulcer.. I just act cool. I guess what i'm trying to say is.. I feel lost.