Who I am

So I needed to get some stuff off of my chest.. Life is weird, it throws stuff at you...and depending on how you react, your life gets created. 'Everything happens for a reason' I know that, and I strongly believe it. Sometimes I think God is trying to tell me something, and he's definitely trying to show me stuff... but in a hard way.

My life is a huge ball of stress at the moment. But I love my job! I've always wanted to do something in fashion, and my dream job was a wardrobe stylist. Look where I am now? and I love it. Sure it has shitty parts..what job doesn't? But sometimes I struggle,  It is a hard and expensive world out there... So I make choices, that revolve around money..and opportunities. And I do not like to make decisions just because that shit is paid and that isn't. But that's the reality. And I have a tough time with it.

 I also have a tough time, pleasing everybody. You can not please everyone around you! I've tried that..and failed every time. I can not say no... it breaks my heart. I want to say 'YES I would love to help you out'... to everyone... But I can't. I can only do so much...Sometimes I forget to respond to messages people send me, not because I'm a stuck up bitch that thinks she's too good for everyone..but because I genuinly forget..my mind forgets things, because I'm juggling several projects at the same time.

What hurts the most..is People who I knew/know well, have their opinions about me...For example, they think that I'm this bitch who has better things to do than to meet up with them..Like I do not want to spend time with my friends? I'm working, 24/7.. This past weekend, everybody's at home chilling, monday day off...not for me though..I was shooting! i'm constantly working, day and night. And with working I do not mean, making huge amounts of money..Because that is not the reality...I'm making my future. Because I want to create something for myself that I can be proud of. I don't like people who think they know me... or get mad at me, because I made the wrong decision in their eyes... I'm doing the best I can. But I need to stop and try to please everyone else..and just start by doing right by me! Put myself first, what do I want?

I hate disappointing people though, especially if I know them well... Because I hate it when people are upset with me, or think I'm a bitch. When all I ever want to do is be honest, and upfront. I'm human, I cry..and I get hurt.. my feelings get hurt.. and sometimes I feel very lonely, because It feels like I'm trying to do the impossible..and I dont want to burden people with all of my feelings and shit.. So Sometimes I talk out loud, so that I can express the way I feel about stuff... I sing. I listen to music. I try to deal with every crazy thing God or who ever is up there, throws at me. But life is CRAZY. And sometimes everything works out...and sometimes it doesn't. In the end, all the dots will get connected..and you will become who ever you're supposed to be. I sure hope so.

xoxo